I don't really know what I am doing,

I just feel so panic anytime I am surrounded by strangers,

That's unusual,



I was about to cry yesterday,

I don't know if he caused me to or not,

I don't really know,



I just needed to nag at everyone and everything,

Having a cute small child rules sometimes,

Whenever I see Niki, oh I want to melt her in my arms,



Her smiles, Her white fat face, Exactly a mirror of me,

I was cute maybe...

I dreamt my childhood last night...


And mommy says I am tender as a child ....

And mary says the same...

But ...


Irreversible joy of...


Oh god,Sometimes....


I am tired of this situation,



I've not had a private place to cry for a month,

Days pass,


And I know less than a year is left.


I damn know it everytime I ...

Yes I long to have someone to go shopping with,

Someone to nag at,

Someone not too spoiled not too mature,

I long to kill you,,

Oh it is only this fucking hatred that's drying my blood.


I long to die now rather than dying my hair next week...


I am lying on the Parket now, feels like Childhoood, feels like far yesterdays.



ABUSE.
Oh ABUSE.

FUCKING ABUSE. . .



Regretful.

Coma White,


Marylin Manson,


ComA WhiTe,


EarLy Days,


EarlY days,



Yes,You were...You were at my age.


Oh There shall be a way to forget...


I was fourteen...Yes I was...



"You are so mature at this age..."

Yes I was...


Yes I was a child.

Still am I.

As the last residue of your breathes in my blood fade away,

I begin to pine for you again.

When my heart aches,

When I feel sad,


When I feel abandoned,

When I feel offended,


When I feel sexy,

When I feel nostalgic,


When I feel romantic,

When I feel hateful,


Damn It,

Just damn It,


She says: " It doesnt end, It just grows bigger..."


Oh I long to ask her...


I really long to ask her...

Take it back...


Do you really think it's easy?



Smash it.


A glorious evening.



Smash it.



You shan't watch me like this...


Do you really think it's easy...

She gave the painting to him whom she didn't know at all one month ago,


She called me to show the painting,


I smiled and said "good...",



Damn...



I am happy for All the years I wasted with him...


Regret For all the few years with these bitches...


I remember how You always hated my girlfriends.


You were right.



Maybe I am so angry...

Maybe I am exaggerating...

Love Song in Winter ,


It's hard to live.



Don't turn away...




I need a warm house...


A warm fire...


My Bed ,


Staring at my walls...



I know What I would think about then.


"The Kiss"


On the wall...

Last year,

2 years ago,

3 years ago,

4 years ago,


Autumn,

Autumn,


Again,

I live within my memories.That's awful.

I will go higher and Higher,

But I have no goal in my head,



Just like when I was studying for Konkoor...

Yes I knew well...



I'm so hollow baby,
I'm so hollow...



Will I ever wake from this dream?

"I touched her in a wrong way" he told me,

She's still a child , I replied,

He was quite sorry about what had happened,

I told him it was ok,



I do not trust him,

But he does, He does trust me,

He expected me to help,


I don't know,

I have my own problems maybe,

Like this life that Truly sucks these days,

Oh being in here, really sucks,



I donno,

I hope we'll move soon,

I am tired.

I can't listen to this PINK FLOYD selection anylonger...


You best know why.


Majid put some Axiom of Choice today,


I burst into tears,


He laughed,


He apologized...

"Weep loudly..." he said.




I laughed , and dried my tears.

I didn't mean to really cry ...

First he flied,

Then he flied ,

Then she did,

You will,

I will,

We will,


We will be all together

Unless I get married before finishing up uni!

I am not so sure of myself,


I am damn feeling like a woman,

I look like a mother recently,

Maturity ,Responsibility,

Oh damn me.

What's wrong?

He came to me this morning,

Sat beside me,

We talked and laughed,

Just like old yesterdays,



Oh,How could someone make me believe that 5 years are passed?



I am not the same,

He isn't,



But We talk and We laugh,

As to be the same teenagers of then...



I still feel him like old days,

I guess he feels the same too.

I guess Somethings never change.

Grandma would die soon,

I am sure somehow,

Grandpa stares at her, He cries, In his silence.



Grandma doesn't wanna die,

It feels sad somehow,



As I feel that I'd die by the end of Ramezan too,

I don't know why this thought just doesn't seem to leave,



Maybe I never deserve happiness,

Maybe I can't believe ...



That you'll leave too...



Skies would go higher,

And...

Distances...



My Tears. And my Dreams.

She called.

She called and apologized,

"Kashki biaay aashti konoon..." she sang again,



"What can I do to make you happy? " She said,

"I'll buy you your favourite D&G perfume."


"Don't do anything, I still Love you."
I replied, while I truly longed to tell her that I enjoy my loneliness.

None Of you Please. Atleast for a short while...