I am regretful.


I just understood it today.


I just felt the difference of your love and his today aabaa...



Aabaa...I'm sorry...It's now too late...



Mama is out for shopping ,I miss her, She is beside me ,I miss her, I sit on her lap, Hold her tight,Still miss her,

Mama I miss you all the time,mama I've got no one but you,



Except my abusing friends who expect me thank them for doing so,

I just have your love mama...

Yes I'll be off university tomorrow,Aabaa...

Yes I'll come to see you...


I swear...


I'll bring my laptop...

I swear aabaaa...


I'll show mehdi's pictures aabaa....


I'll bring you tea...


I won't nag at you,

I will eat any fruit you say,

I will stay for dinner,

I will stay for the night,

I swear you,

I cry,

I swear,


Just ,,,

Promise me


Promise me to be home,

Tomorrow you'll be home when I come,

You will,

Aabaaa promise me


Dreamt of you whole night,


aabaa


For god's sake

Let me stop these tears




Aabaa please...I didn't say goodbye....They didn't fucking tell me

aabaa I should have kissed you,

We did not say bye...



I've not been able to eat since you've left,

I feel like suffocating all the time,

You know I cant handle this

You damn know


please...............................................................................................

He deserves it.

I was exactly wishing a bad thing happen to him, and it exactly happened at that moment.

He really deserves it.For what he exactly said in that moment.

So Why Am I feeling guilty?



I swear I am not worried at all about the details of what has really happened, but I am stressful, why?



I expected anything....But never expected him to say this...

Guess he expected me to say thanks, thanks for all the fucking things he's done to me all these years.

Thanks for abusing me.

Ok,Ok , You never did so. You never did.

Ok,Ok. Damn you for all the things you said today,


And fuck me letting you do anything to me, Yes I deserve to hear these things too.



Oh god...Why Am I so unlucky these days...

Why all these shit happen...



Isnt it just the devil, the devil embedded there in my soul? Yeah...he's fucking my life...he was the devil of my life...


I never wanted to put an end to it...I wanted to make it all better... just better...



Hope he would not claim that I am in charge of what happened, It's none of my fucking buisiness, not my fault...he shall fucking understand.

Sick...

Sick...


Sick.



Life could never be worse than recent weeks...

And I could never be sicker...


No...I could...


Hard to breathe...Hard to relax...Miss my own Beauty,Miss my Own Happiness,

Miss my dancing mom, miss our happy dinners and discussions...miss your cigarrettes,

miss your eyes, and miss Everything from the past...

I know I can't do anything about anything !


I feel like an idiot...




I don't really know,life is too short.


Mama,I'll miss you,


Papa, I make mistakes all the time... And you keep blaming me...



He is here, my little boyfriend,

Just like the way I was your little girlfriend then,



And I send :* to him, as you did,

He keeps nagging at me,

As I did to you,


I wonder if I'll see him next year,

As you did then.


"Marjan! I am so panic, " he says,

As I said to you.


and I begin to advise him what to do...



He's my little son,

I grow him up,


I was your little girl,


I grew up.

I shall believe it,

We shall believe it.




Now that I prefer thinking of you to make myself forget her face,


Now that I prefer to go back again...


To bring you back to my life again than thinking of her...




I stare into her pic, and cry and cry,, She was sleeping behind me,

all those days that I came online this late at midnight at their house...



She loved me, Much more than You ever could have...



I know I shall survive...Out of all this mess...


I know I have seen worse, But this one is irreversible...



You know I was waiting for you Aabaa...

Each new guest who came in...I stared at the door,and hoped it would be you,

Aabaa I know you will come...



And I know I will stop crying...Aabaa I know You hear me.


Damn it...


God damn it...

My Wine In Silence


Where are you now my love
My sweet one.
Where have you gone oh my love
I'm so alone.

I only think of you.
And it drives me down.
I only dream of you.

Come here
My love
I'll keep you
I will change you
Come here
My slave
You will when
I reveal
Screaming
Crying
My lover
With you
I'm gone
I'm blade

I'll come to you. Take my hand.
Hold me again. Please take my hand

Who are you ?!
What were you ?!
My beauty
I can't tell
How'm I feel
How I felt
You have paied
For your
un-kindn-ness
With You
I'm dying and left

Please hold me now my love.
Where are you now, oh my sweet love.

Je suis malade...


I never thought that I would get addicted to this song one day too...


How I laughed at ... then...


Oh god.


3 months , it is gonna be 3 months, and I cant believe my eyes,

how easy, how easy everything changes...



Living with no mother is no easy,

It feels so lonely in here...For me , spending lonely days in uni, hard to get used to having lonely evenings at home also...


It's all getting too tough...

Exams...Me , trapped in the middle...



Je suis malade...


Oh no...Not me again...


You think I deserve this?

You think I was stupid?



Her fake plastic tree...



Are you alive my dear...And breathing?

Are you diseased my dear and bleeding...?



Goodbye my dear, you wicked thing.

I have no tears, beautiful thing.

No silver pail to catch them in.

So ends this tale you did not win.

Memory


Midnight
Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile happy your days ( I can dream of the old days)
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn’t give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The still cold smell of morning
A street lamp dies ,another night is over
Another day is dawning
Touch me,
It is so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me,
You’ll understand what happiness is
Look, a new day has begun...

Memory - Barbra Streisand

Grandma's dying,

And I regret for I don't even have a pic of the two of us together,

I regret that I never borrowed Aazi's recorder to record her voice singing all her Turkish sweet poems...

I regret all the moments I was absent-minded when she was telling her stories at nights,


I'll remember her Kookoo Sabzi"s , and Her "Aash"es , as she mixed everything together,

I'll remember her voice singing...


"Marjaannaar Aay Marjaannaar... eepah Koynah Aagh jaannaaar...

"


The winner takes it all...

I remember I was never like this before Konkoor,

I remember I rarely cried before,


I remember I was Tough,

,,


And I remember no period in my life before that I had been as lonely as this,

It feels great...


When no one comes...

No one leaves...


When It's only me and a bunch of papers ...


It feels great like this...

Though some memories come and go,

hurt and leave,


I don't care...

I won'e care...

Grandma is dying and I cry ,


Every now and then,


I cry and Grandma will die,


Grandma Will die and I will cry even more than this...


Much more...