سکوت و قهر است.
ترانه ای که زیبنده ی زمان باشد
نواخته نمی شود.

ننوشتن
چاشنی پیش از مرگ است

ساعت های متوالی
صبح تا شب
رو به دیوار

لحظه شمار مرگ

یادت نمی آید.
هندوانه می بریدیم باهم.


تمام عصر های تابستان.

یادت هست.

باد که می وزید
در های آلومینیومی

قالیچه ی حیاط
و گربه های روی دیوار همسایه


یک لیوان
آب دوق خیار سرد
که یخ هایش
داخلش آب شده بود
و سبزی ها
می چسبیدند به هم


یادت هست.

تمام بعداز ظهرهای مرگ

رو به دیوار.

عصری که رفتی .
قرار بود
ناخن هایت را
حنا بگذارد.

هندوانه ی سرد
طالبی سرد
کشمش های ریز و درشت


روزی که رفتی

شب بود و باد می وزید
مقابل پرده های توری بالکن همیشه باز

آنجا
همیشه زمان زود می گذشت
وقتی سه تا ساعت
پشت هم
تمام شب
تیک تیک می کردند.

من مرده ام.

عکست را گذاشته ام جلوی رویم

حالا دیگر
با مامان هیچ مو نمی زنی.


می خواهم نمیرد.
می خواهم مامان هرگز پیر نشود.
می خواهم بیست ساله بمانم.
می خواهم دخترم
بیست ساله باشد
من هم بیست ساله باشم
تو هم چهل و پنج ساله بمانی
و آبا شصت و پنج ساله.


هیچ دقت کرده ای
زمان هیچ نمی دهد
و مدام می گیرد
زمان
مدام می گیرد
جانمان را
زندگیمان را
امیدمان را
عشقمان را.


دقت کرده ای.
مامان از هفته ی گذشته
لااقل شانزده مویی سفید تر کرده است.

دقت کرده ای.
دست هایش دارد پیر می شود.
دقت کرده ای.
آبابا
از روزی که روی شومینه نشسته.
هرگز برنگشته است.


زمان
زمان


اینجا موسیقی مرگ نواخته می شود
و ما همچنان در حبس شناور هستیم

آزادی را
جایی زیر خاک
تقسیم می کنند
بین کرم ها
بین مرده ها

یادت هست

به چه آسانی
شستنت
دست به دست
گذاشتنت داخل قبر

و من پیشانی ام را چسبانده بودم به شیشه

ولی نگاه نمی کردم

نیکی
نیکی
کلاه میکی موسش را گذاشته بود
به مهدیه می گفت
حق ندارد با سامان حرف بزند

من نگاه نمی کردم

شاید مقاومت کردی
شاید نه

هیچ کس
زورش به سنگ نمی رسد
چه برسد به تو
که حسابی لاغر شده بودی.


با من حرف بزن.


که من

پر از آشوبم

و می خواهم شیون کنم
جلویشان را بگیرم
نگذارم خاکت کنند
مامان

هیچ گناهی نکرده است.

و من

من که عاشق شب هستم.

ا ازین شش هزار شب
در کمتر از صد تاشان
آسمان را دیده ام.

و تو حالا
جز سنگ
چیزی نمی توانی ببینی

من دیشب

زل زدم به ماه

اما ماه
این شب ها
بسیار کوچک جلوه می کند
حتی اگر دهم باشد
حتی اگر پشت تلسکوپ طوسی رنگ نزدیک بیاید


ماه مرده است

تو مرده یی

ساعت تیک تیک نمی کند

ایوان خالی ات

با شیشه های آب قوره ی بزرگ

با پرده های توری سفید

و فرش های سورمه ای

به فروش خواهد رفت


و پنجره های امید تابستانه ام
برای همیشه
بسته خواهند شد...

I am out of energy. Life is going on with no hope. I am no longer eager to leave Iran.

I've always been like this. Whenever I insisted on getting something, and it took longer than I had expected, I would sulk, and neither ask for it any longer and nor would accept it if provided.

I am still the same. When I say I want something or I wanna do something, it means right away, not even a minute later. Because I change my mind so easily, that's what everybody knows. I hate long term decisions, long term goals.


What are we really living for?
God knows.

The final exams are over now! The saddest moment arrives when you feel the sour feeling of ''emptiness" after you have completed a process and reached to the point you had been waiting for so long, and you suddenly wonder : "so what? "

But it was last night that it happened, now it is tonight! and I am feeling a lot better, cause I see that I still have a lot of god damn things to do, course projects are still remaining and some research on some goddamn subjects, willing to fill my resume, to gain two wings to fly.


All we need is some gas! gas to live! petrol to breathe! gas to light a fire!

Wish I could stay 20 forever!
I really wish.



I searched this phrase which is my biggest wish on internet, and this is a part of one of the results :

"My wish wasn't so much that I would stay 20 forever or that time would just stop, and we would end up in some time-space continuum (although I'd like to go back in time to grade school with what I know now). It was more of a hope of not becoming like a lot of the adults I had seen."



Oh god, it is so amazing and so sad at the same time to see that there are a lot of weblogs which have already written this phrase and now...now...probably none of the authors are 20 any longer...

But I wanna stay 20 :((

Today I passed the interview for entering intermediate levels of French class, but not in a truly perfect manner!

I had studied NOTHING for the interview, and I could not answer bien! she was going to fail me ! but as toujours! I began laughing instead of getting panicked! and began making her laugh too, so she was so embarrassed to fail me! and she repeated again and again : "hey, now you tell me what shall I do with you? beaucoup de mistakes! with an awful exam grade!"

But she really didnt like to fail me!

And I talked and talked and talked and told her : "loook how intelligent I am and how fluently I talk! ? "

She just could not stop laughing so she yielded at last and accepted me conditionally! :> :)



ps. I bet this is not the first challenge in life that I've won in life with eloquence, nor it will be the last!
By the way : Back home, talking to Tistoo , I realized that she had been accepted conditionally too! :D So there is not much to regret!

It's not easy, not easy at all, to be studying and not to be studying at the same time!

But I am happy!

Happy that it's gonna be over,

Just 5 days to relief!

To you dear friend who are visiting this blog, for the first time by chance :

There has been several reasons that I've not yet let you know about the existence of this blog, :)

Sooner or later, I would have let you know if you hadn't even discovered here on your own!

Anyway! I'm happy that you're reading here now :)

Influenced by the story of "Madaare-e-Sefr Darajeh" :

I can not even imagine how horrible could have been such a condition to be in, I mean, to be an Iranian bachelor,
in love with a Parisian jew girl, while Germans have defeated Paris, he must return to Iran and leave Sara, at the same time he is informed that Gestapo has decided to identify and arrest the jews living in Paris in spite of their promise to general petain.


ps. Dear Coral! Calm Down! it's just a movie!

The earthquake that happened this afternoon, reminded me the earthquake of June, 2004 , when I was going to have university entrance exam in less than a month after.

I remember that my friend S. and I were so happy about it, because we thought that it would be a really interesting experience of life!!!

We thought either we'd die or we'd stay alive and watch what happens! We knew that it was a crazy idea but we were so overwhelmed by the stress of a year of studying for entrance exam and tolerating all those pressures that we preferred earthquake to continuing life that way!

But today...I felt that I didn't like the earthquake to happen at all, I am full of energy for life and I neither wanna die, nor wanna lose all I've planned to gain... :)

Hmm.... Maybe I am now ready to confirm this theory of mine :

"I never mistake about people! "

Or something like this one :

"I come to the very final conclusion about people at the very first glance"


It means...If I am interested in someone at the very first glance, or liked him/her at the first moment, it is the exact reality about him/her. Even if I change my mind time to time, the sound final truth is that I like him/her.

Last night I dreamt that I was walking inside the apartment when I saw two sparrows easilily moving on the ground, they were so lovely ( They didnt need to be so lovely since I am crazy about any kind of birds ) I bent down and picked them up one by one, I were gazing into their eyes deeply, but I woke up.

It was 2 a.m. and I was feeling really good after this dream.

Wish I had two little chickens at home :(

Today I was reviewing my bookmarks when I faced Mahasti Shahrokhi’s weblog again. It made me remember her book "Shaali be deraazaaye jaddeye abrisham" .
I love that book. It is one of my most favorites.
When I read it, I searched the web and faced a lot of reviews. I don’t call them reviews, let me say some naive critics, had criticized the book chauvinistically.
They are not critics, they are simply some male chauvinist bloggers. Not only have they no understanding of a woman’s feelings, but also they are simply jealous of women’s success.
Mahasti Shahrokhi who lives in France, had later had an interview in which she had said that the Iranian book publisher had published the book without her permission.
Unfortunately, there is no easy way to sue some publisher for copy right issues inside Iran.
Anyway, I am really sorry that I was one of those who bought the book, though I didn’t know about it back then.
The worse news was that the publisher had omitted a part from the story to gain the agreement of Culture Ministry to publish the book.
No matter what they have done, or what the critics said. I read the book a thousand times.

I've got two exams tomorrow. But tomorrow at this hour, the both will have been done. So there's no reason to be panicked!

I usually relieve my stress by this model of theorizing different matters of life!

One of the things that I were always trying to learn, was to be indifferent to what others say or do, in relation to me.

But I learnt that it was not something to be learnt!, it is just a sort of condition that has grown inside me gradually, the way that I can't even find out how, or since when.

I'm feeling good about it, but literally I don't know if it's good in the sense of manners or not.

I've just watched the 8th part of the TV serial "Madaar-e-Sefr-Daraje" whose story is about an Iranian bachelor who is studying in Paris, fallen in love with a parisian classmate who is a jew at the time that German army has defeated France.
I have always loved the movies and stories or any piece of arts which belongs to the period of the second world war, and on the other hand, the really admiring structure of this serial, has attracted me.
Tonight, there was a master scene, showing the jew professor playing harshly the violin as the German soldiers were marching in to streets of Paris.
The dialogues are brilliant too, dialogues of love, philosophy and politics, chosen with perfect consideration.

I lost the game to Jids tonight with one goal less!

He told me he doesn't even know what will happen if I leave Iran and I told him that I often wonder the same too.
Let's say we are happy these days, just too happy for a week right before the final exams' start.
I hope it does not end in regret!

Yesterday, gone to Tehran Uni, met this very special friend of highschool by chance, ( M.B.), remebering all those funny days again!

it was truly amazing that I realized how I still felt comfortable with her, the feeling that I have never experienced with the friends that I've made in university.

The truth is that new friends can never be as close as the friends one has had in Highschool, and even worse is that I guess that the friends I'll make at work, will not even be as good as the ones I have in university.

Wish we could all be together again : B. O. , M. B. , L. M. , A. Kh. , A. K. , S. Z. , S. M. , Sh. H. and...

Losing them makes me regret, but losing my new friends of uni or elsewhere, never does.

All I need is a highspeed internet, to save my life.

When a musician and an engineer come to this conclusion that both liked to be a football player instead,
I wonder why?

ps. it was an amazing game that I won! I have ever been the best goal keeper ! the enthusiasm inside of me to overcome fright...to follow the ball... and jump to grab it... no matter how painful it might be...Yes I love to be a goalkeeper!

I know that I must be studying now. Wasting time is like wasting the whole 4 months that I have been studying, that is what I always do,doing my best during the term and withdrawing from the challenge during the examinations.

I don't exactly know why, maybe there is a "Me" inside who doesnt like it happen, doesn't like me to get involved in this stupid competition any deeper.

But it is not a good solution to this, if she wants me to do something else, she must give me clues, if she has any ideas, she must share, any keys to success, why not telling me?

I feel confused all the time, spend time online and it even makes me feel worse, I watch TV, walk, but I don't talk, there is this chaos in my mind that doesn't let me talk, I pick up the phone, probe the numbers, think of someone whom I like to call, I put it down and leave.

Let me not say there is no one to call, let's say I have no urge to talk.

I just hope this pass.

Va in niz bogzarad.

It's the second night a kind of toxic gas spreaded is spreaded in our apartment, from outside and its source is not known.
Last night, I went to bed at 2:30 a.m. and it was about 3:50 when I woke up with trouble, facing difficulty breathing, dizzy walking into parents' room, wondering if they were dead or alive.
I god damn know that it has no connection to dear Mr. president, but I am so angry now, afraid that I am gonna die this time.
Unfortunately it's only me who suffers from asthma and when I say "hey let's get out and stay somewhere else for the night" no one cares. Let's say fortunately, yes fortunately it's me the first one who dies.
These days, the pains from the awful social state has really become intolerable to me. Specially that it's being accompanied with a lot of my exams.
Right now, I have this horrible heart ache back, lack of oxygen...

Alors! j'ai parle a une amie a Paris ! elle est tres contente de sa vie en France et OUI! ca me fait rever!
Je sais que c'est tres difficile leurs faire accepter! Mais c'est possible!

Wow, C'est une bonne plaisir vivre en France!

We do not know where people go when they die. I think of grandpa a lot, I feel him so close in my mind all the time, I remember the funny phrases he used all the time and I don't know if they still make me laugh or now they just make me cry.

I've just watched his films again and I can not believe he is gone.

Where are they now? Really where?

2 years ago, when grandma was alive too, I never though that they'd ever die, I always thought that death, belongs to other people, not my loved ones, maybe it was yet another part of my naive theory of "I am the center of the world".

But now, I know they are gone, and even worse I should expect for more, though I have been always praying that I be the next one in the queue.

Dear Grandma, Dear Grandpa,
Whereever you are
Remember
That I still think of you
And Dream of you every other night.

I did not sleep for whole night and we left to Shomaal at 5 a.m. We went up ahead to Ghazvin, but about 2 k.ms to Ghazvin, we faced heavy traffic, when we arrived to the gate we noticed that police had closed the highway to Rasht.
If you are wondering why the hell, I should remind you it is 14th khordad today. Yes we should have been in Haram, not in Shomaal, that was our only sin.
So the police guided us to the old road to Rasht, passing about 4 kilometers, they had closed the old road too, and they sent us to an ring road, which had width of about 2 meters. Imagine all those cars, sent to such a road. We were trapped there for an hour till we found a way to get away from there to the highway back to Tehran.
And now we are back home and I am damn tired. I can’t still believe how police has this power in Iran which can even control people’s holidays and ... !

Three years ago when I had just finished high school and was entering university, I used to insist papa to buy me car. Back then I had not yet received a driving certificate, but I was so persistent that I did get it right 20 days after my 18th birthday.
Papa was too stubborn to accept. He said that he wouldn’t buy me a car because he had no money. But later, when he had a lot of money at hand, and he knew that I know, he changed his reason to different vague issues and we were always having quarrels, specially when I was seeing all my friends having a car but me, though my father could afford it easily.
I called him stingy sometimes, pessimist the other times and so on...
Later we agreed on a double increase in my pocket money so that I’d not talk about car any longer. People around me called this a foolish decision of mine. Friends said that I had lost the game to him. I was not satisfied myself too. Because I had no money needs then and the money he was paying me was useless.
Actually there is no possibility for me to spend money, but to spend it on crazy expensive things like shoes, clothing and restaurants. Besides there is no chance to have fun, specially when I don’t have a car, it’s too difficult to accompany friends, and this terrible feeling of bothering the friends all the time, as they had to come after me all the time and drive me back later.
Let’s call it another reason that I gradually withdrew from friends’ gatherings.
Right now, when papa says that he will pay my living costs in any foreign country and is supportive of my whole decisions for leaving Iran, I am beginning to understand why he never agreed on buying a car.
Right now, when I see how my female friends are facing trouble when they are driving in their own cars, how people annoy them, how every one longs to hurt a female driver, I understand why papa was so stubborn then.
And finally when I see my friends having accidents when they are not capable themselves to take the car for repairing and how they cause their fathers a lot of trouble, I understand that is not what I ever wished for at all.
Now it makes me say : papa! thank you!

I watched "Talk to Her" now and I came here to read a little bit about it in IMDB.
Here is the result :

Your organization's Internet use policy restricts access to this web page at this time.


Reason:

The Websense category "Entertainment" is filtered.


URL:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0287467/



Ok. Entertainment is filtered. As you wish.



And there was something touching that happened, as soon as I came here and logged in to Balatarin, I saw a new link uploaded, here it is :

http://www.entekhab.ir/display/?ID=42017&page=1

Maybe it feels like another phase through a perfect cycle.But it is not logical to think of life the desperately way that I do at the age of 20, but it's just the way it is.

A phase followed by social pressures and living a monotonous life, giving all that I can, and gaining nothing.